This Fanfiction Sucks More Than Anything
by Blue Raspberry Ametrine
Summary: While on vacation, Kirby befriends an excitable young Roomba and helps the Roomba Scouts win a vacuum competition. (NOTE: This fanfiction is only rated T for language. It is free of violence or romance.)
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own** _ **Brave Little Toaster**_ **or Roombas. All I own are my OCs.**

 **Author's Note: Do not take this seriously.**

…

Kirby always woke up in a bad mood, whether it be to greet a sunny morning or face a rainstorm that would set Radio on edge from the static and Emergency Broadcast Tones. His brow was lowered, and his motor was set to high suction.

Even if he was a pessimist from morning to sunset, and even grumbled in his sleepy dreams, he still at least _tried_ to keep a more positive outlook. There would always be something to suck in the Master's new house, as the place never managed to stay clean of dust, shattered bulbs, or lightly salted bread crumbs.

But now, the Master was not _in_ the house at the moment, and neither was he. During his previous adventures, he managed to find the number to the vacuum bus. Nobody but vacuums was allowed, and Kirby hoped to leave for a relaxing vacation at the Suct-inn.

At the resort, there would be massages, free cord-icures, and all the other things the boys back home would make fun of him for. (Plus, he could finally catch up on the last season of My Little Pony.)

When Ratso found out about Radio going to the Radio Spa every week, nobody would stop laughing for hours. If it weren't for how annoying the little guy was, he would almost feel sorry for him.

Even the ride there would be a wonderful experience. Snacks were strewn about free for the sucking to make sure all the guests did not remain hungry, a sensation most appliances would never be able to relate to.

With no humans and their irritating music, he could ride in peace. The dim lighting in the bus reminded him of his old closet back in the cabin that had held most of his life, and the sounds of dull roars filled the air, ready to lull him to sleep. He was ready to close his eyes and drift off to Snoozeland any second now.

At least he could if it wasn't for the dreaded Roomba Scouts.

On the other side of the Vacuum bus, five young Roombas, so full of love and life, were gathered around a circle of cell phones. _Kids these days and their Pokemon GO. Back in my day, all we had were balls to toss and dust to suck._

"Ah man, this sucks!" Exclaimed one of them, throwing his phone on the carpeted ground. He began to turn and skim away from the group, his flannel sash always sticking with him.

Three of the others snickered. "Haha, Suckuel rage-quit!" The last one, the one who's sash remained barren, was looking him right in the eye.

 _Kid, this is getting weird,_ he thought, not sure what to say.

"I think that's him." She muttered. "Guys, guys! I think that's him!" Already his metal cheeks burned. _Well, this is gonna suck._

They all turned to him for a moment but returned to their activities before saying anything. "It's Kirby! The great vacuum hero!" She yelled, vibrating from the excitement. "I can't believe it!"

The others nodded a bit. "Yeah, sure."

Kirby was glad most of the little suckers were not going to ride cord, but this newcomer approached him. Her sensors were squinting as if she was going in for the kill.

"Kid, are you alright?" He backed a couple inches away.

"No, please don't go!" Tears were already forming in those sensors, growing wide. "I'm sorry for getting so close. Sorry sorry sorry! I just can't see very well! My vision sucks so much you'd think my sensors were straws!"

He stopped. "You can't? What's wrong?"

"I guess I'm just… defective."

The whole bus went silent. "Sorry again! Didn't mean to use such a… dirty word."

As creeped out as he was by this little Roomba, and as much as he dreaded spending his time in the Vacuum bus on a little kid, he felt sorry for her. His motor rumbled a low note in pity.

"You seem to know _my_ name pretty well, but what about yours?"

She gasped. "Oh. My. COGS! The Ultimate Suckmaster is asking me-"

His brow raised. "The Ultimate… Suckmaster? Why that's-"

"-Yeah, it's this nickname I came up for you!" The girl began to ramble on, twisting and twirling as Roombas do when they get excited. "I mean, you are just the suckiest vacuum in existence! You traversed a forest! You saved animals from dying in labs! You even went to _Mars_ for Dyson's sake!"

He rolled his eyes, face-cording. "That Mars thing never happened. My friend Radio has trouble keeping his fantasies to himself." He regretted saying this the moment he did, for as soon as he did, she began to cry once again.

"It… it didn't? But… I drew so many pictures, and… oh, this sucks!" She wiped away her tears with the wrapper of a candy bar left behind, a perfect snack for a vacuum like Kirby. "Please tell me you at least saved the animals, right? I'd hate to think of those furry creatures, all lost with no hope!"

He smiled. "That one's real." He decided not to mention how it was Toaster's leadership and Wittgenstein's intelligence that brought them to victory, and that he was just the muscle of the group. He did not want to make the little girl cry any more tears and mess up her circuitry.

"Wow… you suck just as much as I imagined!" Her smile shone once again, brighter than any of the lights in the Vacuum Bus reflecting on her shiny gray surface. "Oh yeah, you asked my name! I am…"

She took a pause, presumably for dramatic effect. "SUCKMASTER 9000, and I suck more than ANYTHING!"

The others were shaking their heads in embarrassment, a few even sneering, but she did not notice, her twirling growing faster and faster. "I suck more than some slightly bigger than average black holes! The only thing in the _universe_ that sucks more is you, Kirby!"

Her head dipped, assuming the best bow a flat Roomba could make. "You are the ULTIMATE in sucking, your Suck-ery."

He laughed with her a small bit, more than he would care to admit. This little girl was just so cute in his eyes and a real bright spot in the usual monotony that was the life of a vacuum.

"That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me." None of the others ever complimented him so dearly. They were always caught up in his bad attitude, his awkwardness, his inability to suck cat litter. But this little girl, even after she found out his greatest achievement was a lie, still cared for him. She still respected him like no one ever did. Not even the Master.

Kirby could not remember a time when he felt such joy and unbridled affection for another. Even when he met the Master hoisted out of the Kirby van and demonstrated by the pushy salesman, it was more a respect for authority than actual care. That took a lot longer to grow.

"Where are you headed?" He asked. "It ain't lint-selling season just yet, is it?"

"Oh no, sir!" She shook her head, which of course meant she was just shaking her entire cylindrical body. "We're going to the Suct-inn for the annual sucking contest! We're _all_ going to suck!"

"That was this weekend?" He bit his lip. As interesting as this girl was, he did not want to put up with her staring the whole time.

He was starting to regret this trip, as he was beginning to see just how much it would suck.


	2. Chapter 2

Kirby's weekend at the Suct-inn was off to a good start. A wonderful start, as some might say.

Other than Suckmaster 9000, who refused to tell him any other name, the Roomba Scouts left him alone. Suckuel was busy sucking technicolor rats and lizards into Pokeballs, Suckbastian was practicing his quick dashes for the annual challenge of the Suckenger Hunt, Suckyer searched through hallways and allies to find places where treasures would be hidden, and Sucktiago spent his time in the Kiddie's Bar, sucking down lintshake after lintshake.

Still, Suckmaster 9000 was beginning to become a bit of an issue. Kirby wanted to visit the Spa in peace, without a little girl staring at him the whole time.

He wanted to be polite and decided to greet her with the best smile he could manage. "Good to see you again, Suckmaster."

She groaned. "Nobody ever says it right! It's _SUCKMASTER 9000!_ " Before he had a chance to 'apologize,' she began to continue again. "But don't worry about anything, my dearest friend! I hold nothing against you for a minor Freudian slip."

"So, are you here for the cordicure or what?"

The little Roomba nodded. "Yes, and O. M. G! Aren't you glad they got us into neighboring rugs for cordicures? While we're waiting, I can tell you all the stories I wrote! They suck, but I'm sure you'll want to read at least one!"

He blinked. "You're a writer? What do you write about?"

She grinned, exposing her teeth the color of a perfect pearl earring, lost under the bed. "You!"

Kirby shifted a few inches to the other side of the rug, hoping she would not notice. "That's… very considerate of you, kid."

"I know!" She giggled, twirling in place. "My longest is more than fifty thousand words! Only a _crazy_ appliance would write _that_ long of a fanfiction! Especially when they knew it would still suck in the end no matter what they tried!"

His brow lowered. "Are you trying to make some sort of sucky joke that references forces outside of our dimension?"

Suckmaster 9000 shrugged. "I don't know. Just trying to break down some walls, that's all."

Kirby stared in confusion for a second, before deciding to just let her rambling go. Soon enough, after at least three minutes of him tuning out her strange, nonsensical tale of him fighting off a cannibal magnet and an evil fairy lamp.

In the middle of her recount, a thought popped into his head. "Wait, Roomba's don't even _have_ cords! Are you just here to follow me?"

The little Roomba was quiet for a moment, blushing. "Umm… well, I don't mean any harm! I'm not taking any pictures or anything, I just… I really want your autograph… and your suck-cerest approval… and for you to adopt me… nothing big!"

Kirby let out one big sigh, trying to keep down the temper the other appliances dreaded.

 _This was going to be one long weekend._


	3. Chapter 3

Sucktiago was still by the Lintshake bar, pondering the meaning of life and why everything in his world seemed to suck. Never did this mortal toil give him a break, a fleeting but wonderful break from the pain of existence. He was only two years old and he had already wasted his entire life, it seemed.

The taste of the lint was his only relief, its cool refreshing flavor washing through his digital taste buds and circuit board brain, and he relished it. He knew his addiction was a serious problem. It was weighing on his relationship with his squad. They lectured him on stopping before his filters got clogged, but it was no use.

So the young Roomba continued to suck down those shakes, lamenting his sucky excuse for an existence.

The lintshake bartender walked up to him, taking his empty glass. "Get me another. Put it on my tab," said Sucktiago.

The bartender looked concerned. "Kid, haven't you had enough?"

He growled, motor revving. "I said, get me another one!"

"Fine, fine." The bartender rolled away, preparing another shake for the little Roomba. Just then, a big Kirby vacuum came through the heavy doors.

Sucktiago recognized him as the one from the bus. The one who SUCKMASTER 9000 would not stop fangirling over. The Kirby with the heavy chrome brow and bag the color of evergreen needles. And sure enough, she was trailing behind him.

"So, after this, how about we go and play mini golf? The competition isn't until tomorrow, so I have plenty of time!" Her high-pitched voice already began to grate in his mind. "OMG, I almost forgot! There's a movie playing down the street! I know it won't be as good as yours, but Suck Wars 17 still has some pretty good reviews, right? I'll buy the tickets, don't worry!"

He groaned. "Kid, why are you so obsessed with me? I came here so I could get some _privacy_ for once!"

Sucktiago giggled to himself for a moment. Someone finally said it. Someone was finally standing up to that cheerful little prick. The squad just was never the same after they let her in. _Ever since Mr. Suckson made sure the Squad Leader let his niece in, we haven't had a single meeting without a long discussion over that ridiculous forest fairytale. I bet this Kirby is just a random guy too afraid to break her sucky little heart._ He rolled his eyes. _At least he doesn't have to put up with her every single week._

"I already told you, silly!" She laughed. "You're a hero! You are _my_ hero. You know all the bedtime stories Mom tells me? All your adventures, all your feats! I've heard them all!"

"Kid, I'm not that great of a guy," he sighed. "If you paid any _attention_ to those stories, you'd know that! I blow up at people all the time!"

"Like right now?" asked Sucktiago.

He shook his head. "I am trying to keep my cool, but it's kind of hard with your… little friend here."

SUCKMASTER 9000 ignored the previous comment, rolling over to the bartender. "Two, no, three lintshakes, please! One with extra paper shreds!"

The Bartender nodded. "Sure thing, just don't give any to him." He gestured to the other young Scout, which he chose to ignore.

"You're having three? Extravagant," said Sucktiago with a sarcastic laugh. "You're going to need a few more than that to catch up with me."

"No, two are for The ULTIMATE Suckmaster!" She continued with her unnerving perpetual smile. "I've already wasted a Benjamin on materials for that summoning ritual, so a couple of shakes that I know he'll have is nothing!"

Sucktiago turned to see the poor man, eyes wide with fear of what he had gotten himself into. "That'll be 12 bucks," said the bartender.

She rummaged through the pocket on her sash, but after a minute of tense looks and at least five apologizes, she only pulled out five dollars and a couple of paper clips.

"Kid, that's only enough for one," he grumbled.

Kirby groaned. "I'll pay for it." Once again, SUCKMASTER 9000's faulty sensor eyes lit up like a set of Christmas lights.

When they didn't suck and actually worked.


	4. Chapter 4

Unlike Sucktiago, Suckyer was already getting down to business. Some said he had no idea how to have fun and relax. Their good friend George Car-lin told him he needed to look out the foggy window and daydream more often. But Suckyer was too caught up in making sure his squad wouldn't suck in the Suck-enger hunt.

Or maybe he should say they _would_ suck? Vacuum slang was confusing at time, but he took comfort in knowing no matter how much vacuum slang sucked, it would never be as bad as humans saying they 'literally' died. At least a vacuum sucked with everything they did, so it was a literal statement. (For realsies this time.)

Suckyer shook his head in annoyance. _I don't have time to deal with this! I have to practice for the Suck-enger hunt!_

Suckbastian was with him, working on dodging a set of obstacles to shave off a few seconds of backing up. "How was that?" he asked.

He blushed. "Umm… I wasn't paying attention."

"Come on!" groaned Suckbastian. Then, the other scout sighed, approaching him to where they could meet sensor to sensor. "I'm sorry, just… I know you better than that. Typically, you have the focus of an eagle! What's on your mind?"

Suckyer backed away. "Nothing! Why would you think that?"

"I just explained," he tittered. "Maybe your focus _isn't_ so good after all." An idea formed in Suckbastian's head, his sensors flickering for a moment. He knew what would get Suckyer to open up. "I mean, if you can't even explain what's wrong, your social skills must suck as well."

"No!" he exclaimed, blushing. "I can talk perfectly fine!"

He gave a quick playful smirk. "Really? Prove it."

Suckyer shook his head but realized the wall he had been bumped into, just like the ones they wanted to avoid. "Fine. I am worried about Suckphia."

The younger scout rolled his eyes, laughing once more. "Don't you mean the 'Suckmaster 8000?' I'm sure she's fine. She's having the time of her life!"

"It's 9000."

"Come on, you know what I mean."

"Fine," he nodded with a grin.

Suckyer continued, not wanting to take a break from training but figured his best friend could help him sort his thoughts out. "She's wasting all her time fangirling over that rusty old vacuum. If she doesn't practice, how are we supposed to win? She already doesn't see too well. If any of us should train, it should be _her!_ "

His friend sighed. It seemed nobody cared for Suckphia, no matter how hard she tried or how many lintshakes she brought to their meetings. Still, he did not want to hurt his best friend's feelings when he was trying to help him. "Buddy, we are in a fancy hotel. The _Suct-inn_ of all places! There's a lint bar, a spa, a gym, and even more! Did you _see_ that museum just a couple blocks away? Personally, the only reason _I'm_ here practicing is so you aren't lonely."

He was quiet for a second. "I… that's not all of it. What if he's not all she thought he was? What if he doesn't live up to her expectations? Her little heart will be _broken!_ "

Suckbastian pondered this for a moment. While he was happy to have their little friend's dreams finally fulfilled, he had a point. "Well, what should _we_ do?"

"I have no idea," he remarked. "I guess we just train our hardest to cover for her?"

He grimaced. "Suckyer, you're my bro and all, but I was thinking about heading to that mall we passed. I want to check out the GameSuck. You can train all you'd like, but… I want to have a good time too."

Suckyer turned away. "I know. I know I need to lighten up, I'm sorry. Ugh, I must be the suckiest best friend in all of existence!"

"I didn't say that!" he gave his friend a nudge. "I _just_ said you're my bro!"

The older Roomba laughed. "Thanks, bro."


	5. Chapter 5

Suckuel had a reputation for being on his phone all the time. Sure, the reception usually sucked so he couldn't do much of texting or calling or whatever else phones were actually _made_ for, but the games he had made it all worth it.

His parents said he was addicted. Suckyer berated him for wasting his life on a silly screen that was not even alive. Still, Suckuel did not care. He was determined to finish this game.

Even more annoying than the constant bothering was when other vacuums claimed he was playing Pokemon Go. Of course he wasn't! That game was so last season.

Now, he was hooked on Dust Bunny.

Dust Bunny was the newest game, a quest almost as cool as the suckenger hunt the other scouts had been blabbing on about for months. The goal? Collect as many bunnies as possible. The winner would be announced at the end of the year.

No one knew what the prize was but whatever it was, Suckuel wanted it. Even if it did suck. Curiosity might have killed the cat, but they never said anything about roombas! The game was fun to play either way, and digital pixels on maps were a lot cleaner than real dust bunnies.

This trip was an opportunity to collect more bunnies than ever before. Living in a lonely town, there was not any competition for the ones he did find, but they were few and far between, only respawning every couple of weeks. More busy areas like the Suct-inn were filled to the brim, and returned in their places every night.

He had already collected most of the dust bunnies in the hotel, scouring through the gym, the spa, and the bar, but there was one more left blinking on his map. Not only was it a large dust bunny, it's blue glow designated it would come with an extra reward. If he was lucky, it could boost his Bunny Score by a hundred points! That would certainly be enough to put the bullying Air Hockey Table at school to shame.

Suckuel did not need to look where he was going. His sensors would do that for him, and he could simply vroom off in the direction of the glowing marker. Even if he hit a wall, he would turn in the right direction. It came easy to most roombas, to the point where some never looked where they were going, even if they had nothing else to look over. Other vacuums discouraged this practice, but _come on! We only cause a_ couple _accidents every month!_

That is if their sensors were working. Thankfully, his were, and their 'more defective' member never caused too much trouble. Putting up with her sucked most of the time, but if someone mentioned her hero, she would get out of the way for a while in a flurry of excitement.

He groaned to himself. _You know you shouldn't think of her like that! She's trying very hard, and…_ It was hard for Suckuel to see Suckphia with an unbiased view. Before she joined, it was just him and his best friends. Now they had a noisy, childish, and clumsy extra member weighing them down.

He decided he would deal with his later. There was not much he could do until they got home, after all, and he was approaching the glowing blue dust bunny.

 _10 meters, 9 meters, 8 meters,_ with every second he got closer, until…

"Hey!" yelled a deep feminine voice. "What is a little Roomba like you doing here in the kitchen, mister?"

For the first time in his whole pursuit, Suckuel looked up from his phone. He was face-to-face with a tall freezer, bigger than any his Master ever owned. Of course, face-to-face was hardly the right word, as she towered over him like a redwood tree. Her metal doors shone with the reflectiveness of a still pond, showing his small stature.

"Wait, what?" He turned around to see a dusty floor, the only clean spot being where he had rolled by. The tiles were a checkerboard of breadcrumbs with no sign of Hansel or Gretel.

Other large appliances looked over him. An oven, a sink, a dishwasher, and all the little ones required to make a good lintshake. Somehow, he managed to stumble into the kitchen behind the bar without even noticing!

The oven rolled his eyes. "Come on, you idiot sandwiches! The little guy wouldn't notice a door if it was slammed in his face!" All the other appliances began to laugh.

A blender joined in with his falsetto tone, ringing in the Roomba's ears. "I bet his sensors suck more than a vacuum sealed bag!"

Suckuel couldn't help but let out a nervous chuckle, inaudible against the riot in the kitchen. He tried to back away, but there was nowhere to go, and the prize was long since forgotten about. The walls were beginning to close in...

The freezer was chuckling so hard she had to wipe a tear from her eye. "You are hilarious, dudes, but let's get this little dude out of here, alright? Before he's hurt, and all."

All of a sudden, the walls backed away. The freezer's intense glare turned into a smile. "You must have gotten pretty lost to end up here. Let me show you out."

Pulling her plug out of the socket behind her, she shuffled away from the wall, gesturing for Suckuel to follow her back to the main lobby.

"I'm Iglea. What's your name, bud?"

"Suckuel. Pleased to meet you, Ma'am."

Her steps were loud, and almost sent Suckuel flying, a sharp contrast to his light skin across the floor. "If you want to be here so bad, we'd be totally psyched to hire you. Our last janitor quit. He said the job sucked or something."

He shook his head. "No thanks. I'm only here for the Suckenger hunt."

"I've heard about that. It's gotten everyone's chord in a twist, hasn't it," she grunted. "So many vacuums have been coming so quickly, we can hardly keep up with the lint shake demand!"

Suckuel looked to the ground. "I'm sorry about that, but to be fair, I'm not just here to see it. I'm going to be competing."

The freezer chuckled. "In that case, let me give you a quick little tip, friend to friend, a'ight?"

"The kitchen isn't going to be hiding anything, so don't waste your time here."

 **Special thanks to Lampi01 for the name suggestion!**


End file.
